I wonder if the women he is having affairs with are married? I found that out the hard way after yrs Many rapes occur repeatedly and by family members and even if exposed the victim is not believed. This was accelerated when I started studying to be a teacher and earn a better wage (planning for when I could leave him). A prolific multi-media content innovator, Kim has created and shared a library of articles and multi-media educational tools including radio shows, A person doing something in anger or acting irrationally often plays into the narcissist's narrative that the person has . Later that day he comes home and tells me what a nice lady she is and he had a good conversation with herwait a minuteshe called him while he was busy at work, misinformed him saying it bounced, he gets all snappy with me and he calls her back all nice with an answer that I providedI feel like he is always the good guy with everyone else, never wants to look bad in front of anyone and yet I know the real him. It seems that people like this can move on so easily without a second thought about you or the pain, anguish, and despair they cause to those they leave in their wake.. I believe that the core problem is not the differences in living conditions that we all struggle to agree on and adhere to, but the underlying cognitive inabilities and resulting lack of empathy that gives rise to such a consistent lack of regard for another person. Sounds great, but if all others enable, they do not bear the consequencesany wisdom on how to get his family/my family to stop enabling him so I am not assaulted again? Save yourselves and consider yourselves lucky for getting out when you did, and get your kids as far away as possible. 8) When my 15-year-old son called me crying and wanted to move back home after moving in with his dad for a year to try and have a relationship with him which was not working. Hope that the blindness of narcissism, the torment it brought to our marriage, and the happiness it stole, will somehow heal itself, like a cut on a finger. I finally questioned it. Im tired of the game, the dance, the rollercoaster. Stay away from anyone who will judge and criticize. I dont allow myself to be in the position of bad guy these days. Though, in reality I dont really believe this will truely ever happen. He has his own rules that no one else knows about. 3 Remove all emotion from your reactions to them. What are they gonna do? I guess he was held accountable for his choices and the natural consequences for his behavoir was the loss of his family. Ironic, isnt it, how many stories there are and yet in the midst of such circumstances we can feel so isolated. Manipulative people, like narcissists, can hook their victims in with a tactic called "love bombing." It's the stage of the relationship where they identify their target, then make them feel like the most special person in the world by showering them with compliments, affection, and gifts. Do Narcissists Like To Be Held Accountable? Have much to learn! You cannot judge a persons personal choices involving themselves and their body by how it makes you feel, that is your responsibility. Trying to hide the truth, trying to avoid real intimacy? Thank you again for your courageous letter. Hi Butterfly, You cannot depend on promises because this leaves all of your power in someone elses hands. Do not include anything about your relationship. 14) When it was your daughters birthday keep in mind she is 8 and I was worried about you not buying her a present and letting her know you loved her. Just call me the narcissist repellent 6 mo They respond VIOLENTLY. That it had nothing to do with me. She tells me the affair is over (actually, she insists it never happened most of the time; though I have evidence to the contrary) and she is still working for the guy she had the affair with. This guy is gone, not one word said to me in 1 1/2 years after he ended it and told me he wanted to get rid of me for a long time., The things youre teaching I could apply if there was ever any other relationship, but, they seem extremely difficult since its such a strong tendency to want to point out their behavior and to explain mine. I said that I would speak for him and get the whole world off his back and all he had to do was be quiet and useful and learn what it was like at home with him not around. I worked through all your books, eagerly. Do I just let go of this since it is the past? To me, there is no other explanation. Is there law enforcement in your area that are likely to believe and protect you or is exposing the rape going to put you in further danger? You are correct that there is no point in arguing but that does not mean he will never understand it was wrong. Once you obtain that, the cloud hoovering overhead will become smaller and smaller the sense of freedom and relief will ease and bring peace to your heart, mind, soul, and with Kim & Steves teachings overcoming our own gap work will ease putting strong boundaries in place. I know a side of him that he can not hide from me, however the ugly side wins more often these days and so I reach for a new life with less turmoil and frustration. Fortunately, my 13 year old can see most of his BS, but the 10 and 9 year old boys can not. She and I wound up as live ins with no sex several times but I was no more to her than a paycheck and servant to do all the things in he house she didnt want to do. I moved to Minnesota to help her because she is 70 now and had rotator cuff surgery. What i do is speak to the child in him at that point. It was days later that I discovered the truth after he got drunk and sent me my pics in a textsbut he of course had no idea how he got my pics??!!! Nothing will convince them or change them. When he gets mad about you making the police report you need to be ready to say calmly that he did thousands of dollars damage to your car and so of course you needed to report it to make an insurance claim. I have been doing when you suggested here. How to hold a Narcissist accountable..Holding a Narcissist accountable requires having some type of leverage against them. I could never imagine that the sweet kind generous woman I promised to love for the rest of my life, could be so deliberately hurtful, so callous and full of spite and disregard for my feelings. He is controlling, a bully, very verbally abusive, calls me every name he can think of, ignores me, lives in a constant disordered mess, hates everyone, is never wrong himself,has pychotic episodes (scary) lays blame on anyone but himself etc etc. Forget Counselling..these people are great liars..I got Kims books..they do work. I think mine married me thinking hed improve his station in life (although he said I could quit working before we were married) and was vastly disappointed at my low earnings after marriage and soon after my parents hints of creating a trust so that their money could not go to him, he left. He is no longer abusive towards me and he is learning to control his emotions. The problem is that everyone thinks they were both wonderful and there was something wrong with me. Though I have not seen much online regarding this, I wonder if their bond with children is because these men are also very delicate and child likethat they dont understand their own emotions, and have no self reflection. Sometimes I wish Id die and just get it over with. Why? I just dont know how to hold her accountable in a way that will WORKand not just make things worse. I thought we had a strong attachment but I found out last week that he has been having affairs with several different women. Listening to her say mom its to heavy, I cant do it and me having to apologize to her for making her do it. I am Liberal thinking person and positive too until I get around her and her negativity!She is constantly pointing out my shortcoming while I reserve my feelings about her shortcomings.. its as if she is talking me out of our relationship! I dont want to lose him. Butterfly is my chosen name because if you help a catteiller out of its cocoon it will die. They bring their objective guidance, support and validation to your healing. Either term seems to fit well to me, as either one describes a parasite that drains vitality of life. They complimented you, insisted on your compatibility, and made you feel special. It is ridiculous to have to kiss his royal rear end cuz why? How to hold a Narcissist accountable.Holding a Narcissist Most of our issues now revolve around money. In Kim & Steves ebook Back From The Looking Glass there are several examples of how to accomplish this. Not sure if hes a narcissist but one thing I do know is he is super nice to everyone else unless they piss him off or what he perceives to be an attack on him from someone usually family/me and he lets strangers/co-workers walk all over him. Welcome my channel! The fact that Im still doing the same thing with someone who isnt at all interested shows me that even if I met someone new, I dont know if I can try your suggestions. Why do feel the need to write and give him this or, of the sort, letter? The only thing you can do, as I have see everyone noting, is that you just manipulate your surroundings to your sanity and survival. He says what happened to you? I thank you Kim for all of your words and information. People do change but sometimes it takes blood, sweat, and tears. There is no narcissist worth the effort and life sucking environment they provide. You do not *ever* talk to a doctor about someone else without their permission, and you do not respectfully obtain permission by stating what you are going to need to do.. 6 Secrets The Narcissist Hopes You Never Learn - Thought Catalog Thank you so much for all your hard work in getting the word out about NPD/co-dependency and a way to work through a marriage and not just run away from it. He always managed to pull me back. Maybe if i had not had all the losses and children and could have spent my life concentrating on working on him there could have been hope but i think it is unlikely. I just wanted have a lil peace so I couldnt go up against him and hold him accountable to much. Hi all, First time Ive contributed to this blog and wanted to get more info on Because I loved him I needed to say no. Hi to everyone who has written in, this has to one of the very best blogs ever. I still get called swear names you are a selfish bitch !!! Does this include rape? Your children should come first and if you have an N boyfriend you need to break up. Real trust is earned and not given anyway and so no you shouldnt trust him yet, things need to be set up now so there is complete transparency. Ahhh! Im very happy that things have worked out in your marriage. If I leave himhe will make mine and the kids lives a living hell!!! 1. 5 Powerful Boundaries To Counter Passive-Aggressive Narcissists The following are common areas clients struggle with regarding personal accountability: Stay in control of your emotions. Thanx for clarifying. 23.9K subscribers Subscribe 10 Share 80 views 1. I left him four months ago , but somehow I found myself in a state of sadness and heart brokenness I have never thought I can handle for such a long time . All I can add at this point in the blog is that I encourage everyone to get Kim & Steves ebooks and other materials. You ask the same questions that I want answered. I say, no you are not going to change this. What are the 5 signs of a stealth narcissist? Living with individuals with NPD means accepting the facts of 1) being the only adult in the relationship and 2) giving empathy and recieving empathy. I thought this would be easier than the long, drawn out emotional battles with me trying to get him to be accountable in our relationship. realsing that being assertive and self reflective is of no prevail I fled him the day where he walked towards me with clenched fists, telling me I make his life miserable and he is suicidal! My problem is as much as we want to move on, we cant because he wont stop contacting us, harassing myself and the kids and we have no protection. When I speak up he makes me out to be the crazy one! I think its a positive sign that yours hasnt latched onto someone else. Hi Debbie Of course you should part if you feel that way! I either need to do what I think is correct or if its something we need to speak about I will wait until things have calmed down. I almost feel I dont even need to write my own post as pieces could be taken from almost everyones posts to write my story. I dont contribute to what they have wittnessed, he is doing a fine job of that by himself. He doesnt seem to be taking me seriously. The narcissist begins by bullying the person endeavoring to hold them accountable. Unbelievable. Ill set boundaries. Never listens to a single word I say. Sometimes you just have to say enough is enough and let them go. It really helps!! I am becoming the woman I was when we met the one he hated. Im tired of it and have told him that this isnt working for mehes too irritated and frustrated with me so much of the time, and Im burnt out on the tension and the fighting. Creating Word Salad Conflicts. It was all my fault she says because I crossed the line but she didnt do anything wrong. Right now Im in therapy and EMDR is being used to help heal old wounds but in the process hes creating more. how do I get over the pride and resentment I have? Kim, what is the natural consequence for ongoing, deliberate, hostile silence that is simply meant to punish? I also did not raise my voice when I spoke. And I am practicing to manage my own defence. He mixes prescription meds and alcohol and is a walking time bomb. Actually I feel freed by the decision to leave him for the first time in over three years I feel like I have part of my strength back. It does hurt tremedously though because I do love him and wanted to marry him one day. You did nothing to help in the process and blamed me because the house had to be in my name, since your credit was bad. It was my word against hers. He isolates me from his friends because he knows that I see his other self emerge in front of them, and he does not want me to call him out on it (I have done so before, with terrible consequences). He wont make her happy she will be sad feel unloved and insecure with such a guy. Naturally being codependent I resolved that one and pretended all was fine but felt deeply hurt. Still not enough he then decided to leave on New Years eve to go with his daughter to Hastings (leaving me alone and my daughter with her dad) but months later I realized he went with his ex wife and daughter to Hastings because he couldnt cope with my outbursts. I was wore out from defending myself, arguing and emotional abuse. Matthew and I also go to marriage therapy once a week.this is the therapy that can be super hard, as my husband is such a great liar, charmer, manipulator, etc. It is not a control issue, but a stress reliever for your soul. As I am writing, I am sitting in a beautiful Hotel in California, at the end of a 4 day all expense trip he won. I use to think it was all me, if only I would change, and of course he helped by saying I was right. He is a good person and has morals. It will serve as a reminder that you too are in control of things. They dont out run their lessons. Go figure) Well we have been arguing for months now about the fact that he wants to Do this together but he wont make any decisions as to the details of doing it together financially and we end up fighting every time we talk about it. Your suggestions would probably work with those who have narcissistic tendencies but not people who have malignant narcissism which is a very rare condition. This was NOT my desired outcome but a result of our unique situation and personalities, and was not the fault of any of the materials or tips Id used during the time I tried to rescue myself and the marriage. They use name-calling, making fun of people, putting others down, judging. I have found dbt [dialectical behavioural therapy] to be very effective for ME learning to accept reality and deal with it effectively I have REFUSED to take the blame for his outbursts and now he knows that i really mean it, I have actually got several apologies that is progress indeed! Well I wanted to update. None of this is worth staying with a Narcissist. Hi Elaine and welcome (-: Stepping out of the way of the consequences you describe would mean having him charged and put in jail for his assaults on you. (3) my own personal property with in my home: doors repeatedly ripped from hinges, furniture thrown, broken, smashed my guitar in to pieces, throwing cups of coffee on walls, twice he has smashed & broken walls (but he claims he barely touched those walls, he didnt hit itI was there I saw him angry and punch the walls. RUN RUN RUN if you can. . Holding a person accountable for what they did in the past is a waste of time and should be forgotten. The only thing you can do with a narcissist is get them out of your hair. This is painful stuff to deal with emotionally, spiritually and financially. Nor did getting a councilor and mental health services involved. People-Pleasing. I am hesistant as his actions around the birth of our boy showed him to be absent and immature with a failure to own his own behaviour. 4. I give them the fuel, to take to others, to set me on fire. She curses in front of parents and kids, belittle me many of times.. And do narcissists project more than the average bear? I see our old marriage counselor for trauma therapy and he said he feels my husband has anti-social personality disorder with narciccistic traits. If they owe you money, hire a debt collector (if you need to) and step away from the adversarial role and let someone else do the dirty work. Its hard to give up on a man who has saved you in waysand who you know deep down, he is a good manbut his fear keeps him from being able to create real intimacy, and build on a relationship based on trust and honesty. I dont believe it will work for my husband and I as I have tried for 7 years and nothing has changed. Is it OK though that I gave him time to make a decision and set a time for him to tell me? He started calling another woman before he left. I havent said anything yet.. In this article I am not talking about rape, but about people who lie and put others down. I have not heard anyone talk about sex on this website. Whatever you do you need to make sure you are safe. Sonia. After a while and much anger being vented by both sides we tried to work on it and I immediately thought I had reacted badly and apologized for my slighted messages. Mostly, nothing changed in the future, but I felt better (which of course, is another topic!) They cannot put themselves into your shoes and feel or understand. A parable says, A leach has two sisters. Holding him accountable for mistakes. This NPD thing really does a number on those that love thems self esteem. This is going to be quite interesting to get a hold of. 6) You gifted me a pair of boots and then pawned them without telling me, when you needed money. And i said to him (with tears but very cool): Do not ever do that again. The narcissist's inability to act conscientiously in a relationship illuminates his or her lack of empathy. How does sex work in these relationships? I think for my sanity I just cant talk to him anymore. So I guess I would ask you to ask yourself if you are grieving or co-dependent(co-dependence effects most of our relationships). No amount of behavioural changes will alter that brain function however if the N person needs you in their life I think you will be able to make the relationship work by managing the impact of their cognitive disability on your self. He abandons almost daily conversations/e mails/helping me. Protect your kids! There was no mention of when we could see each other and I guess I had to accept it But noooo I didnt instead I confronted my n by saying that my friends have noticed how sad and depressed I am and certain friends were concerned about me. He goes overboard with some of this stuff. Keep the love flames going and learn to forget the past. I thought that maybe I missed reading something. Moved in with me and 6 months later started choking me, beating me, humiliating and belittling. When you want to hold sway with someone (not only a person with narcissistic tendencies) the equation works something like this . I have been married to my N wife for 16 years. And also there might be a difference in willingness to open up. She can do so much better and deserves so much better. Every couple of weeks to every few months of our whole relationship he has threatened to divorce me, but I finally decided to stop fighting it and to stop begging for forgiveness for all of the things that offend him. My first calls to the police did not go well either until a policeman I met taught me about how to deal with the police if you want them on side. After my split from my ex I met this guy from a dating website over year ago and thought I found my perfect soul mate Three months into the relationship things started to go really strange. Leave, and dont look back. But women are usually the worst for believing every word he says. along with the narcissist's makeup - helps us to bypass obstacles when dealing with. Sorry to rant. The toilet bowl of my Nar life is flushing and he is finally being fractured and hopefully reformed for the better by his own actions and choices. After his death i met a nother man, also with some npd behaviour. This keeps the people that are suing him, unable to take his business.Im scared to death to put my name on a business that he has any control over! Everyone needs different ideas and I thank you for adding yours to the discussion. Everything that goes wrong is always someone elses fault and no matter how logical you are, they will continue to twist and turn their way out of the argument, even if they have to swear the sky is green. Thanks again for all the hard work and time you put into all this, keep up the good work! Looking back on a long-term relationship with a Narcissistic bf, I see I had big delusions about us both For a year we worked hard using Kims materials- which worked really well- to the point where I no longer felt weak or controlled, and my partner altered behavior beyond what Id ever (EVER) thought possible! Learn yours also. Ive analyzed this thing a zillion times, gone to therapy, gone to grief groups and have come to the conclusion that Im just going to accept that I call him. Trying to Make Narcissist Accountable is Keeping You Hooked Lived 25 years with verbal, mental, emotional and physical abuse. He got tunnel vision obsessed with job the aderall had him on the go, then yo projects in house( over 3 years and not one of the many projects to house completed) I was mainly emotional, feeling ignored by him. How To Break Up With Someone Toxic/Narcissistic Safely - And Never Look I see Absolutely zero accountability for his very mean abusive behavior from him and no desire to do so either. This was my effort at not throwing in the towel b/c i just dont believe all Narcs are useless to society. I can relate to this. but to ensure that I too learn from this experience and can move on to a healthier way of life either with or without him. Which I did. He got nicer a week or so. I finally found an article about STOCKHOLM SYNDROME. Although hes only hit me once and I know that sounds like denial but believe me when I tell you I have made it very clear to him that if he does it again one of us is goin to jail and one of us is goin to the hospital. The key element here is that I always know when he has started to break that trust, because out of the blue with no reason at all, my NPD starts treating me very poorly, acts evasive etc. These type of conversations are usually safer in a public place like a park or restaurant, and you need to make sure you are not bluffing! With two dogs and two horses close to your job, so we could be together and just had lost my mother to cancer two weeks before. We had an event October 12th to attend together, and I said we will keep this date, but that if things dont improve, that this will have to be goodbye. Then the row would be about him trying to leave not about the original subject which was over and done with already. Because he was ashamed of his failure it was easy for him to be quiet because really he didnt know what to say anyway. What are his consequences without losing the weak attachment that we have? And thanks Kim for this site and your work. In order to post comments, please make sure JavaScript and Cookies are enabled, and reload the page. I am assertive and have boundaries, yet none of the above techniques worked. When I started realizing it all , I was panicking , feeling trapped each passing moment . I told them he wasnt ready and needed to learn how to be a father and husband first. The Effects a Narcissistic Parent Parent Can Have on a Child. How much pain! Kush #49 regards Have you approached him with these things as you have them stated here in the past? (is that part of narcissism?). 22) While doing the side work you accused me and I quote yeah side work I am sure thats what he is paying you for even though I did most of the work from home. i cant see them. Ana. Powered by WishList Member - Membership Software. Also you need to make sure first that your bosses have the backbone to deal with these people. She was the kindest most loving, giving person I had ever been with.. until she wasnt anymore. Me feeling of hurt on emotionally not feeling special. Thank you!. He was charged with a felony crime for impeding my breath. There is no one answer to this question, as the best way to hold a narcissist accountable will vary depending on the situation and the severity of the narcissist's behavior. Staying calm and in control of my emotions. So that is something that should raise a warning flag in their mind, if for no other reason than to cover their own butt. hi Kim I just read Back from the looking glass, I cannot wait to get a plan going and start this long journey. But also confusing if you want to find a way forward through this. The kids are terrified of him due to the many dangerous situations he put them in (drIving drunk, putting an apple on their head and prentending to throw an apple at their heads, forgetting one of the kids when he would leave to go get more beer, exposing them to porn, girlfriends jewelry, etc., etc.). Damned if I do, damned if I dont. Within Canon Law, if these essential qualities are lacking, the marriage can be looked on as invalid from the start, i.e. My guy and I are apart a lot of the time but he still managed to be emotionally and mentally abusive to me after the honeymoon period of our relationship ended. Be bold be smart be loving be caring be humble and then if he fails to respond positively Id say there is a problem, he may be preoccupied with something he cant talk to you about could be some issue at work or family, he could be bullied at work but doesnt see it as bullying. 18 'Habits' of People Who Grew Up With Narcissistic Parents When getting orders for your second deployment you told me that you didnt feel it would be ok for you to pay for your part of the car payment if you were not going to drive it. His entire lifes circumstance from living with his mother in the islands to now living with his father in NZ is everyone elses fault due to their crazy/controlling/manipulative behaviour and his unlucky breaks due to.insert martyr action of his here. Im a survivor. im from a broken abusuded unluved drug home.my parents were awful.what 1didnt think of that was shady the other1would.they were the greety who took from the week and needy.az long as thier lst dollar was in thier pocket they could care less who suffered.well i do believe in karma.and just in case i may neva get the chance 2 hear or c.i kicked them 2 curb.and all my syblenz.i am the only1 out of 6kdz reached out and got help 4 the hell i lived and seen.but i unlike them have self admitance.i dnt lie or deni i tell it like i c it.that causes waves every where in my life.but i no who i am.i am a mother of 5 beautiful kids and they hear i luv u everyday.and there r reprocutions 4bad choices.and i make sure i praise them when they mk good choices. But this seems a weak boundary to me because I cant see when the line is crossed. I have tried to approach him regarding each of those things as they happend. Hi While i think you mean well and im sure there are many you have helped. _ I find that most people suffering from codependence are Chronically ill. Hi my friend is the love if my life,but i know without a doubt that he is nsrcussistu. Ive learned from reading all of these articles that screaming for him to hear me, complaining he doesnt listen, etc.