Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that you're secretly harboring a grudge. surprise surprise. I wouldnt friend zone this guy either, he doesnt sound like good friend material, he sounds like exactly what he says he is, an ass. We are not designed for serial monogamy or it wouldnt hurt so much when we break up. Im especially proud of you for considering your daughters feelings. You may be drawn to him, but ask yourself why at this point. If I read you right, this has to be said: PLEASE do not forget that the Big Bang nerdy new guy also has feelings and doesnt deserve to be strung along by a non-committed, emotionally unavailable, broken hearted (young?) Somehow it feels less amazing than we thought it would once we are over someone and they contact us, I think (Im not there yet, but so I have heard). life sucks. The thing is, And what Ive learned I dont want any part of a negative past back in my life. No mother its you. For example, Ive begun to pray for my enemies, including childhood abusers. I havent posted for a while as I am doing pretty damn good, finally told him that I would not tolerate any more contact after he had said I was his friend and always would be.ahem I said, I am an ex who you cheated on, who you then asked to be the bit on the side to your new woman and who you then bullshitted about wanting to get back together withthat every word out of his mouth was a lie and I did not need or want someone in my life like that, not even as a friend and that there had come a time in my life where I had to say no to being crapped on and I was doing it now.so yep nothing heard from him in the last 7 days, long may it last but even if it doesnt I finally feel for the first time in 9 long months that I have the backbone to just ignore him now and I will no longer bury things deep like I was asked to everytime he had a bit of assclown behaviour. Thanks for your well thought out post. My point is that we have instincts we must follow whether it is about the guy or about our ability to be within the relationship or both. Ive come to terms with it rather. Stand up for what you believe in. While we don't often like to admit it, holding a grudge is a common way some people respond to feeling that they've been wronged. But often the most challenging aspect of getting hurt is letting go of any lingering resentment after you forgive them. Thats what MOTHERS do. He blew hot and cold, he made promises, he cancelled dates all the red flags that Natalie has alerted us to. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. She is pathetic. Meaning: You will do something harmful to her because . Ive chosen to ignore it. The more you try to chase those feelings away, the more they remain. Grace, you were right it was big let down. ", You're all about fairness or want to make sure that they see your side of things, "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash, said. He was beyond hurtful and I just kept hoping and waiting and hoping he would make room in his life for me. also, sending hugs and love your way. Whether the experience is a good one or a very bad one, hopefully you learn and come out a better person. As a recovering people pleaser, Im done with jumping through hoops trying to prove myself to unpleasable people. A theological debate would be fun, though, especially with Revolution as shes smart, a writer, has a feisty personality and a beautiful heart and probably knows her stuff. I have always adopted NC as my natural response, even before reading about it. hes let you down a few times and it doesnt sound like he wants to talk. For some reason young women feel they have to tell the jerk how hurt they are by what he did. Behaving just like a drug addict, withdrawing from the fix. You cant kill the memory, but youve ended the BS once and for all. Just meet some one else fast. The flow on from that was years of self inflicted low self esteem because, although part of me could see how silly and unintelligent the people I went to school with were (are! Its like my old AC all over again. When you're holding a grudge, all sorts of things can cause you to get frustrated. Not that youre planning to be persuaded by him, but remember his wanting to be friends is code for sex. However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies.. I really do think he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I feel murderous rage toward my egg donor. 0 Hard pass! Jeez! Thank you Courtney and Lizzie. If we keep acting like we just fell out of the sky into today or that we have to blank out the past, not only do we end up missing out on lots of valuable information and lessons that can help us to increase self-knowledge that helps us better navigate our journey through life, but we also end up having to forget the good too. Long time no talk. What makes someone do that? His reset button approach was oh, so, polite and made me crazy, though. Irritability towards someone you're working to forgive is a barrier to overcoming a grudge.". This post is really something to think about. Six weeks laterhe reappeared in my city on his way to a job in a neighboring state. All Free. I have come a long way since then but I needed to finally put the fantasy in my head to rest once and for all so I texted him to ask if he wanted to catch up. Do you think its healthy behavior? pull the focus back on you.) "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash said. Reflect on times when others have forgiven you. What your friends ex is probably trying to do is blacken her name, hurt her if you become friends with him etc etc. Then we hear nothing off him till the next week after having his son for the day the guilt gets to him again.so I then have to endure the pleastries til off he goes validated yet again. He disrespects women! I have learned to protect myself, and deal with her effectively. I have found, though, that it was easier when I took my feelings out of the equation. What we fail to realise in these situations is that remembering the past or certainly having an awareness of the the types of situations and behaviours that ping our boundaries and are at conflict with our values isnt the same as holding a grudge. From our hearts. This behavior continued into adulthood. .What if they have changed? Good for you for not going along with that plan, because the outcome would have ultimately been much the same but you would feel worse. Not one time have I read any meanness or self-righteousness in any of your posts. Friend Zone at best with this guy. It takes skill and practice to get good at that, I believe. shattered you dont need anyones permission but do be prepared for a big let down or, worse, to be insulted. He told me quite a lot about himself and his issues. Whoever it is know theyre pushing you around, beating you up, and hurting you. information is beneficial, we may combine your email and website usage information with My gut says he is married or in a relationship. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner.aspx. Thanks again! It can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. Bottom linewe usually know (in our gut at least) if we are not being treated right or if something isnt right for US we need to trust our instincts on this and not put up with crap. I really have no feelings towards her at all. Last off-topic ramble, I promise!!!!!! And when the topic of our relationship came up I was always telling my side of the story HOPING he would give me an apology, a crumb, anything to make me feel like it REALLY WASNT ME. and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. Lisa, Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this., This post is great and so timely for me. My ex never took drugs, lazed around drinking beer in his undershirt and never even hit me. I was in the waiting room of my specialist when tht little gem arrived by text, & cut him cold. What I meant was that, no matter whether the person is repentant (and thus deserving forgiveness) or non-repentant (willfully sinning without remorse or change of action, in which case they are constituting themselves an enemy of God and we would be enabling them and condoning their behavior as well as siding with them against God by forgiving them), we have the responsibility for OUR side of the street, which is that we never pay back evil for evil towards them by our own thoughts, words, or actions. Many people who grew up churched have no idea of whats out there. He and I both are, I wanna say, more devout than not. So forgiving someone = loving them = ACTING on whats best for them = steering well clear so that they cant behave in a way that is bad for their soul. Rakel D, ed. If youre unable to move forward without feeling embittered or angry when you think about the incident, then youre probably harboring a grudge. Mayo Clinic offers appointments in Arizona, Florida and Minnesota and at Mayo Clinic Health System locations. But I fear that I can slip anyday, and become trusting/gullible or a people pleaser and this post reminds me not to. teachable- As you know and have counseled people for yearstheres no making sense of nonsense. the unsubscribe link in the e-mail. My life had literally come to standstill and wasnt going anywhere, but it was only until things ended with him that I started building up my self-esteem and confidence to set myself goals and actually achieve them. Its been three years since we parted and I no longer feel pain over what happened. It feels hard to not want to be that people pleaser and try. Needless to say, I did not return her call and havent spoken to her since. But. Theres no reason for him to think otherwise, anyway, because Ive been a stellar companion. And I had parental issues I was trying to solve through him. He married that gf (maybe, already fiance?) In my situation, we both have grown. He is no idiot, otherwise I would not need to give him a second thought. "Now compare that to how much emotional reserve you have towards someone you feel wronged you. Wondering if I meant anything as he sent a few lame text messages and that was it. Hmmm. Yeah, right. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings. Getting It!- I havent gone to any of my high school reunions as I dont remember high school as being a happy time, havent kept in contact with anyone from high school so what would be the point? Good people should allow a person to have as many chances as they ask for' and when our typical mode is people pleaser who worries too much about what everyone else thinks and silences their true self to follow 'shoulds' laid down by the inner critic, we go against ourselves. Twice previously, Ive tried to b a platonic friend w this twit post ending the r.ship w him (my call both times) & twice he acted poorly, leading me to withdraw & move on. Very tired of relationships not working out and tired of being alone, having said that, as coutney pointed out, I do need to trust my instincts, too old not to and been around th eblock too many times to get involvled with nother man who is not right fo rme. We get it all here. He has nursed a grudge against his former boss for years. Weeks later she sent my son to my house with a dress she bought me. In the end he told me that all he could offer me was a friend with benefits scenario (we did not have sex during the time we were in contact), and that he knew I could not accept that, that I would find it diminishing. You need to handle this with as much clarity and dignity as you can muster, and you know whats best. Or would you advise me to run as fast as I can, nevermind hang around to go cycling?? Thank-you all 4 your replies. I gather OLD has a lot of people who have that agenda. Asses dont tend to use protection. Good people should allow a person to have as many chances as they ask for and when our typical mode is people pleaser who worries too much about what everyone else thinks and silences their true self to follow shoulds laid down by the inner critic, we go against ourselves. Any use of this site constitutes your agreement to the Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy linked below. Thank you. Ready you should be celebrating! Take a minute. You can do so much better. And then I realized, all BR readers should be telling themselves that. and she appears to be lovely woman. There is a problem with Then he asked me to think about it and decide what to do (whether to try to stay friends or cut contact, etc.). Ive tended to do this on a more superficial level with friendships than with more intimate relationships. Boundary or grudge when toxic people confuse the truth - Reach Out Recovery Not forgiving the person who wronged you is the essence of holding a grudge. I doubt hes a moron. then i realized i had to end everything with him becasue I still had feelings and told him not to contact me anymore. Im a grown up now and have just moved on. Forgiveness is letting go. Thats when it becomes a real wake up call, when your kids know better than you do. You hit the nail on the head. Im in similar boat to you here, will explain in a mo, but from what you write, this guy is disrespecting YOU not just all these apparent booty-women. What i also know is that Ive come to this place where i am willing to compromise many times, but it never made the outcome any different. Holding Grudges: Why It Hurts and How to Let Them Go (I KNOW what I must do btw, simply because I do not want to/or should have to feel nauseus around a so called friend who makes constant referals to women looking hot or staring at my arse at every opportunity). They're suffering from an emotional imbalance, which therapy might help. I felt wrongly safe in that I saw the way he was with women, and like you I found it was so excessive and crazy that it couldnt be serious, that it was an act to draw attention, that he was just being playful and enjoyed seeing my shocked/blushing faces, etc. I only need to validate me. The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want is out now. Also, key into the pattern of the types of men youre attracted to, and why youre choosing to ignore and excuse all these red flags. Its also not a dating handbook. Forgiveness can lead to: Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect. Amen. He just kept saying we could get together and talk. ", When you think about them, your feelings are negative, "The best way to tell if you're holding a grudge is to use your memory," Sal Raichbach, doctor of psychology at, told INSIDER. He didnt even know them before. %PDF-1.6 % I had issues were I would let things go, but still have resentment through my silence and it took me quite awhile to move beyond passive aggressive behavior and to just confront people about how I felt about the situation or their behavior. I didnt even stand up to him the times he hit me, and told me it was my fault that he did it. , Revolution- Thanks for your understanding and patience with me as well. What a bullet you dodged. Each time I had to be around her she would say, whats wrong? Maeve, thank you. If we expect the Lord to forgive us for debts we cant pay, yet we expect other sinners to repay theirs to usitswellkinda hypocritical. Thank you Allison it does feel good, I feel like I had lost a part of me but I am feeling contented and so much happier that I know I am finally getting there..thanks to BR and all the lovely posters who show so much support on here it just makes you so aware that you arent alone in what you are going through and it gives you the strength to deal with what the ex AC is trying to throw at you. If hes so happy with her why bother calling you?). I have my dignity-you are correct. I obviously made it sound like I was intending a relationship with the man, and I assure you I am not, we are friends, but not even sure that will work for me as the chemistry is off for me even for friends. I did a thing where I didnt make a scene about my anniversary, hoping people close to me would gather around without a script. If we can hurt them like they have hurt us.. I agree with everything you wrote, Rosie. These are practical things you can do to get out of his crazy head and into your own for some serious soul-searching (which is far more productive). Lately however, Ive given myself permission not to like people for their behavior. LavendarHow many adult men do you know who brag about bedding sluts and loose women but in reality respect/like women and are monogamous and faithful? Jesus told us to love one another as He has loved us. Validation? Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. My grandmother whom I was very close to died recently. I have to learn to forgive me for not being beautiful, desirable enough to get a high quality dude to actually want to live here with me. It did occur to me that being in no contact with him for good may seem a bit harsh and like Im holding a grudge against the past, but then it also occurred to me, Who cares? Why does it matter what someone who clearly didnt care about me thinks? He is capable of seeking attention and some uncommitted sex. The last time I saw him was a few hours after he left my bed and he had an actual girlfriend in his We had a several year long r/s, including living together that had been dialed back to living separately and dating. I screamed obscenities at him on his doorstep and went NC and remained that way until this recent contact.